Date I made this recipe:
May 30, 2017 –a tongue-in-cheek ode to Martha Stewart and her
"fields."
Martha's Got Nothin'
On Me by Dish & Flow
Published by Left Field Ink
ISBN: 0-9664737-0-1; © 1998
Recipe: Papa's Shrimp
Cocktails – p. 41
I often remark that I have a cookbook for everything and I
swear, this one was just waiting for me to find it just after I had myself a
little hilarious rant about Martha
Stewart on Facebook.
Frequent readers know that I have a love/hate relationship
with Ms. Stewart (hereinafter "Real Martha.") While I appreciate some of her recipes and
her cookbooks, she is just a tad precocious, especially when it comes to the
"to-do" calendar she calls "Martha's Month," featured in
her magazine, Martha Stewart Living.
I think we can all agree that most of Real Martha's to-do's
in no way resemble the average persons.
Plus, let's not kid ourselves: Real
Martha has "people" to do these things for her. ("People. People who need people....are
the luckiest people....in the world.....")
This then, is my Facebook
post from May 25th which set off the hilarious responses listed below. You should know that I included a photo of
"Martha's Month" from the June issue and some comments below
reference Real Martha's other to-do's:
"So
while I was waiting to get my hair cut, I looked through Martha Stewart Living
and...sigh. I have a love/hate
relationship with this woman and today the needle moved toward
"hate." Why? Even though you may not be able to read this,
please note that on 6/5, her to-do is "mow fields." Not lawn, or even "field" singular
but "fields" plural. For the
record, Andy and I have a lawn and he mows it because I don't mow
(allergies). Martha likely doesn't mow
either, but likely not due to allergies.
No, someone like Martha has people to do that for her. People who need people...And fields.
Plural."
Then the replies started:
Ann B: I came to respect her when she
made homekeeping respectable again. But
she does have staff. I think most
everything is easier with staff.
Me: If I could afford
"people," trust me, I'd have "people." I specifically want someone to dust This Old
House and I would be happy. A friend of
mine became a fan when she learned that Martha grew her own grass for her
Easter baskets. Might have also smoked some as well. Just sayin'... (Ann's Note: I got a few
chuckles from that one.)
Bonnie M: "The peasants tend the
fields."
Me: "They do indeed. They will also be busy on the 15th
[of June] planting the SECOND crop of beets. I mean really Martha, like one crop of beets
isn't sufficient?"
Annette K: "A whole day to clean outdoor light fixtures? I could clean my one outdoor light fixture in
two minutes."
Me: "I don't "do" outdoor fixtures. Please, they're outdoors, they get rained on
and snowed on and that's "clean" enough for moi. But Martha likely has a billion outdoor
fixtures so she would [have her people] dedicate an entire day to cleaning
them."
Annette K: "You'll
notice I said 'could' clean."
Jeff H: "Ann,
the solution is within your grasp.
Simply rename Andy "People," and then on 6/5 in your calendar
write "Have people mow the field."
Then it should be easier to relate to Martha's Calendar."
Me:
"Well that's hilarious! But don't forget, it's field(s), not
field. Of course, we have to first find
ourselves a lone field and then figure out how to double it. As always, Martha complicates everything!"
Jen R: "Ann
Verme, front yard is field 1 and back yard is field 2...fields, there you go."
Me:
"And now I can sleep at
night. As always, thanks Jen!"
Alec S: "I
could get by with "stocking up on summer wines"... (Ann's Note: So could I!)
My friends are nothing if not amusing and creative. I bet Real
Martha never thought of some of this stuff!
That said, Real Martha pays attention to details whereas these Martha
Wannabes did not. None of the recipes in
the cooked contained a yield, something that absolutely drives me nuts. Could I make some assumptions based on the
amount of ingredients called for? Yes, but
why? Real Martha would never do that to
me. Or Real Martha's people. Just sayin'.
Also irksome is that the Table of Contents is filled with
cute little chapter names such as "Rabbit Food," "Udder
Decadence," and "Flo's Corner" which are all well and good
except they don't list what recipes are contained in each one. This is not good. Real Martha is frowning.
Although my usual MO is to make main dishes, this time
around I was more interested in Appetizers and so selected the shrimp cocktail
and folks, let me just say that we were "in the weeds" before we even
got started.
The recipe contains all of six ingredients: Bay Shrimp; cocktail sauce; diced celery; 1
tsp horseradish; ½ tsp dry mustard, and
2 dashes of black pepper. We are not
told how much shrimp to buy nor how much cocktail sauce to use, but we are told
in the narrative that you need ¼ cup of diced celery in the bottom of each
shrimp cocktail glass (I used far less).
Since I was serving this with some other food, I didn't want to stuff
myself with too much shrimp and so out of the half pound I purchased, I gave us
four shrimp each for this serving and we still had some left over.
Now that I figured out the shrimp and the celery, I turned
my attention to the sauce which needed some adjustment. Since the authors didn't say how much sauce
to use, I used about a quarter of the bottle, maybe even less. I was loathe though, to add the amount of
horseradish called for in the recipe because shrimp sauce contains horseradish
so I adjusted the amount to ½ tablespoon. I also cut the mustard and pepper in
half. The result was still nasal-clearing
so I'm glad I made that call because too much of a good thing like horseradish
is still too much. Real Martha would be the first one to say that an excess of
horseradish is not in fact, a "good thing." Real Martha loves "good things."
By the way, should I have scalded my esophagus, Real Martha probably
has a cure for that, likely involving planting a large garden of fresh herbs to
be used in some fancy schmancy poultice or something because that is what Real
Martha does. Real Martha also pronounces
the "h" in "herbs" and she is the only one to do that but
then again, this is what separates Real Martha from the Martha Wannabes.
Now you may be asking yourself why I didn't just wait until
June 5th to make this dish as an homage to Real Martha, but keep in mind
"I'll" be moving the field(s) that day and won't have time to cook so
it's now or never. Enjoy!
Papa's Shrimp Cocktail-
serving size unknown
Bay Shrimp (Ann's
Note: I purchased a half pound – about
20 shrimp)
Cocktail Sauce (Ann's
Note: I used about a quarter of the
bottle)
[1/4 cup diced celery per serving]
1 teaspoon horseradish
½ teaspoon dry mustard
2 dashes of black pepper
Prepare a shrimp cocktail for each guest. Any type of glass will do as long as it's not
too tall. Special shrimp cocktail
glasses are the best, though. If you
have some, add some crushed ice to the bottom glass, then place the cocktail
glass inside.
Place about ¼ cup of diced celery at the bottom of each
shrimp cocktail glass. Top with shrimp.
Mix cocktail sauce and
seasonings. Spoon on top of shrimp.
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